


i'll take all of your tears, it's my turn to cry

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Broken Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee - Freeform, Heartbreak, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee Are Best Friends, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Na Jaemin Are Best Friends, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee-centric, M/M, Mark Lee (NCT)-centric, Minor Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Minor Mark Lee/Nakamoto Yuta, One-Sided Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Past Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Yeh Shuhua, Unrequited Love, i'm sorry (again) :/
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:29:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23061736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Because although it's Yuta who gets to have Mark, Donghyuck is the one who's always there for him, through thick and thin.―Alternatively: Donghyuck, Mark, and the problems surrounding both from Donghyuck's perspective. Oh, also, don't forget Yuta.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Mark Lee/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 6
Kudos: 110
Collections: Anonymous





	i'll take all of your tears, it's my turn to cry

**Author's Note:**

> ...so it turns out that writing something like this (angst and shits, ykno) is both stress-relieving and stress-enhancing for me. i'm (not really but is) sorry for this.
> 
> might not turn out great because as always this is done in one sitting and is unbeta-ed yea we die like men (again) :/ pls excuse the grammar or spelling errors
> 
> 》title taken from the english translation of EXO's My Turn to Cry

It was Donghyuck who got to be the first one to be close with the closed-up Mark Lee.

The boy is tough to break; all straight face and empty gaze, heart surrounded by thick metals to protect his vulnerability. Donghyuck knew and he still _knows_ , all the ins and outs, the nitty gritty, the bends and curves of Mark Lee. He knows how the boy's eyes light up each time Frank Sinatra plays in the radio, how when with strangers or crushes, he covers his mouth as he giggles, how he adorably crinkles his eyes when he's giddy and excited. He also knows the way his face falls when he's sad or disappointed, the way he becomes quieter when he's angry, the way he bottles up his tears and negative emotions to show the world that he's strong, stronger than he looks.

Donghyuck was always there, _is_ always there for Mark.

He was there when Mark had his very first breakdown, face messy with tears and snot, eyes red and swollen, shaking and oh so vulnerable. He was there when Mark had thought about bad things he should never have thought about, his grips on Mark's shoulders firm and bruising, eyes serene and hard, just to remind the boy that he _matters_ , that he's _worthy_. He was there, helping Mark through his appendix surgery and through his first heartbreak—who could even broke the heart of kind and lovable and perfect and sweet Mark Lee, he didn't know.

The point is, he's been through Mark's everything, as far as he knows.

Okay, he might not be all Mark's firsts, but at least three quarters of Mark's firsts was his. Mark's first friend, first best friend, first annoying friend. He was the first one to have a sleepover with Mark, the first one who sneaked and accidentally broke Mark's window, the first person who protected and defended Mark, the first friend who witnessed Mark's first time falling in love—with who, he hadn't known yet—even Mark's first enemy (just for less than a day, though, because he couldn't stay mad long if it's about Mark Lee).

For the record, he was also Mark's first kiss. An accident, that one was, but he and Mark agreed that they should never talk about the kiss ever again, due to some issues. Not Donghyuck's first, unfortunately, because his first kiss was with a girl from his kindergarten class—butterfly class' prettiest girl, Yeh Shuhua, a Taiwanese girl who transferred there about a month before. Now they're acquaintance, not close enough to be friends but definitely past the strangers phase. The kiss was long forgotten (not really, but Donghyuck prefers it that way to be quite honest).

So, yeah, pretty much majority of Mark's firsts were done with him, and Donghyuck couldn't be more proud and cocky about it.

But it all changes, when Mark is suddenly in love with a charming and attractive senior who plays soccer like gods and has a pretty healing smile. Donghyuck is suddenly lost. After having lots of Mark's firsts, not having his next firsts are quite disturbing.

The senior, Nakamoto Yuta, has a pretty much well-known habit of being flirty with every pretty and cute people he's interested in. From the quiet but sharp-tongued Dong Sicheng, a jumpy ball of sunshine and rainbow Kim Jungwoo, and now, the endearingly awkward but sweet, lovable Mark Lee. It's different, though, how Yuta flirts with others and how he flirts with Mark. With others, it's all about harmless funs and good laughs. No feelings included, no love attached. With Mark, he looks at the younger boy like he hangs the sun and moon and stars and _the entire universe_ , with such subtlety and gentleness, like Mark is his most prized gift, a fragile china, pretty porcelain doll to be paraded and flaunted to the whole world. He looks at Mark with undivided love and attention, like Mark is his world and he will _die_ without Mark.

Yuta is the second one to break down Mark's walls, but he's the first one to discover the treasures inside Mark's heart.

He is the first one who reciprocates Mark's love, the first one who gets to have Mark, and all the firsts Donghyuck doesn't know have existed before. And an unrecognizable feeling crawled from inside Donghyuck's chests, ugly and _green_ and negative, one that he has never felt before.

It grows, larger and bigger and stronger, as he watches Mark smiles happier and brighter and wider. It steadily gets greener, too, as Mark glows more, brilliant like the array of stars they observed as children and pretty like the garden of flowers they visited together in Dallas, once when they were ten years old.

Donghyuck has feelings for Mark.

Donghyuck, almighty and sarcastic and playboyish _Lee Donghyuck_ , is falling deep towards the deepest part of love, only for Mark, the ever-so-loving and wholesome and honest-eyed _Mark Lee_.

And _fuck_ , does it hurt more when he sees the love of his life being embraced by someone other than him. It's excruciating, the stabbing pain he feels in his chests every time he watches the older boy laughing alongside Yuta. There's a gentle splash of red that spreads on his cheeks prettily, and his eyes hold that unadulterated softness and love look, the one exclusive only for Yuta. And when Yuta's palm reaches the apple of his cheek, the vibrant hue intensifies and spreads more, decorating the tips of his ear bright red and the base of his neck pink. The laugh he delivers are bashful and stuttery, and it sounds so _Mark Lee_ that it hurts to the core of his soul.

When Yuta's face draws closer to Mark's, Donghyuck turns around and outside to clear his head.

Lucas' party is as loud as ever, music with heavy basses and strong, quick rhythm blaring loud even outside of the house. Feels like it shakes the entire house and himself, but it could just be him and his too much alcohol intake tonight. He takes a deep breath, filling his burning lungs with cold midnight air, as well as trying to clear his mind off of Mark Lee _and_ Nakamoto Yuta.

Donghyuck stands still, eyes boring straight up to the starry sky. Memories flood into his head, and a tiny, pleased smile creeps on his face.

 _At least_ , he thinks, as he hums a song under his breath in small temporary delight, _at least i still got to have his first kiss_.

  


  


  


* * *

  


  


  


The thing is, Mark had once confessed to Donghyuck. And— _metaphorically fuck you, sixteen years old Lee Donghyuck!_ —Donghyuck had only brushed him off. He laughed, he scoffed, he rolled his eyes, he made jokes out of it all the time in front of literally everyone, thinking that Mark was probably messing with him. Laughing at Mark's face was a thing, but telling everybody about that like Mark's feelings are only a joke was a new kind of low, even for Donghyuck. _Especially_ for Lee Donghyuck.

He realizes, that Mark's face was as serious as how he usually takes his exams when he confessed about his feeling. Downplaying Mark's feelings like it was a new kind of laughing stock? How fucked up you were, Donghyuck.

_Fuck, I made the hugest mistake and now Mark would never forgive me. Fuck, fuck, fuuuuck, I'm such an asshole. It was such an assholic move, stupid teenager Donghyuck!_

But Mark forgave him—the sweet, shy boy who got hurt by him, _forgave_ him. And Donghyuck might not have feelings for him yet, but he knew, on the long run, he would definitely fall deep for Mark Lee.

Too bad, when he finally has caught feelings, Mark has moved on and is now in love with another man. And it hurts, it _hurts_ so much, to the point where the breathlessness and prickles of thorns in his chests are uncontrollable.

"Are you happy, hyung?" He once asked, when the sky was covered with ash gray clouds and the athmosphere smelled electric. Mark turned to look at him, a cup of cocoa on his hands and a blanket covering his entire frame. His smile was sweet and dreamy, and his giggle sounded so lovely and melodious. He gazes at Donghyuck with wonder on his eyes, so huge and raw and innocent, and Donghyuck's heart crashed on his feet.

"I am, Hyuckie." His smile turned shy, but his eyes still sparkled like it held the entire universe. Donghyuck's—ah, no, _Yuta's universe_. "He makes me beyond happy it's crazy."

"Did you also feel like that when—" Donghyuck blurted out, mouth uncooperative with his brain and heart. He clamped his mouth shut as fast as he could, but the impact was already out. The continuing sentence hung in the air, thick and heavy. _Did you also feel like that when you fell in love with me?_

Mark kept mum, his eyes glassy in nostalgia. Silence stretched for some minutes, and it felt so stifling that Donghyuck hardly breathed. But then Mark smiled, a small, close-mouthed smile, but it was still as pretty as Mark's other smiles.

"Yes. But it's different, Hyuck."

Donghyuck knew, how different the feelings would've been. Because with him, Mark was suffocating and crying alone, but with Yuta, Mark is treated like the king of the world.

  


  


  


* * *

  


  


  


Like Donghyuck can't get more unfair and cruel, he steals Mark's first passionate kiss—the one with clashing tongue and lip sucking and biting. It is hot and it makes his body burned in something he doesn't know _and_ doesn't want to acknowledge yet, but Mark is struggling to free himself from Donghyuck's hold with tears gathering in the corner of his eyes. He thrashes, hits Donghyuck's chests with vigor, pushes at him with all his might—to no avail. Donghyuck only pulls him closer, presses him to his chests tighter, bites on his lips harder, and eventually, makes him cry diamond-like tears in genuine sorrow and anger.

"Mark," he whispers, desperate and urgent. His lips never strays far from Mark's, biting and lapping and sucking until the tender skin bruises red and feels raw, "Mark, I love you. I love you so much."

Mark gasps when he can't get enough air through his lungs. He fists Donghyuck's shirt, pushes him away with more struggle, such a mighty struggle it hurts Donghyuck's everything—heart and mind and soul. When Donghyuck pulls back, then, a strike of pain stings his cheeks, and the view of Mark with dripping tears were just as pretty as it is horrifying. 

"Mark—"

"I hate you."

And the front door slams shut, so hard that it fels like the ground shakes. Donghyuck can only stare blankly at the direction where Mark leaves, cheeks stinging and mouth throbbing from the kiss, lips salty and _bitter_ from Mark's tears and maybe, hatred.

His body slumps, and tears pools around his eyes as his knees hit the ground. Rejection never hurts him like this. Rejection never tastes this sweet, rejection never leaves bittersweet aftertaste like this. Rejection, in the form of Mark Lee, pains him more than he can ever imagine.

He laughs, hollow and somber and empty, and tears finally pours out of his eyes in a stream of lost hope and unspeakable apologies.

  


  


  


* * *

  


  


  


Jaemin finds him just like that, body crumples in grief and guilt and face messy with bitter tears. He stares at Donghyuck in something akin to pity, but he tends Donghyuck's bruising cheek with hard gaze and unfamiliar stoicism. It makes Donghyuck uncomfortable and even more guilty, guts coiling in distinguishable fire of _sorry, sorry, please, i'm so sorry, forgive me..._

"You're so stupid," Jaemin breathes out, voice lacking of hatred but laces with anger as well as understanding. Donghyuck snorts, but winces when it upsets the swollen muscle on his cheek. Jaemin glares at the snort, pressing the ice pack harsher on Donghyuck's cheek.

"I know right?" Donghyuck answers, mirth and misery mixed into one in his dull eyes.

"You took him for granted," Jaemin shoots back, hand fisting the ice pack so hard it crackles a bit under the pressure. His eyes are ablazed, not in fury but in a certain kind of worried annoyance and intense scolding. "You took him for granted, and when he's finally happy where he is now, you tries to snatch away his happiness."

Donghyuck stays silent, eyes glazes over and blank as he stares at Jaemin's emotional ones. And then his face contorts, pure grief and self-loathing scrunching up his face in an ugly expression that shows how desperate and heartbroken he is.

"You love him, you said so, but you hurt him more than you love him."

"I know, Jaemin!" Donghyuck roars, frustrated and furious but also regretful and so fucking helpless it sends tears tumbling down his cheeks again. "I know Jaem, _fuck_ , I know how much I hurt him like an asshole and takes his love for granted, I know how dumb I am to pretend and act like I never know he had fallen for me years ago, and _holy fuck_ , I know how much I made him jealous with my flirty actions towards literally everyone around me and cry from how I led him on. I know I was such a dick, and now I am tasting my own medicine!"

He casts his eyes downward, emotion bubbling up to his skin like a molten hot lava, scorching and leaving invisible scar that haunts him every seconds. He whispers, low and defeated, "I know, okay! And I never lived another day in my life knowing I made him cry lots and breaking him in the process, now that I can see how he radiates happiness from the love he received! I know, and I'm so sorry and regretful and I need him to be angry at me or punch me harder on my face or just cut me out of his life, but he's just so forgiving, _too forgiving_. He forgave me right away, Jaem, he forgave me _just like that_ and it hurts more because now I feel suffocated, knowing that I hurt the most precious and forgiving person in this whole world just for my stupidity and selfishness. I need to feel some kind of punishment, for my mind to stop screaming at me, but now that I know he hates me, I feel like I won't be able to live another day before I kneel and beg for his forgiveness."

Tense silence and still atmosphere hangs around them as Donghyuck finishes screaming his heart out. He breathes, long and hard and ragged, but before he could lift up his head, he's enveloped in a tight, warm, _familiar_ hug that feels a lot, so much like salvation and redemption and amenable forgiveness.

"I'm sorry," he sobs, messy and raw and hoarse-voiced, hands gripping hard like he doesn't want to let go, never wants to let go. " _God_ , I'm so fucking sorry."

"It's okay," Mark mumbles, weak and trembling but full of understanding and forgiveness Donghyuck could never be worth of. "It's okay, _we're okay_ ," he hugs Donghyuck tighter, giving off a sense of calmness and radiating peace on Donghyuck's tired self.

  


  


  


* * *

  


  


  


At the end, Donghyuck has finally learned, that loving someone doesn't always mean having them.

Donghyuck still watches Mark from a far, ignoring the way his heart wrenches painfully everytime the older giggles sweetly at Yuta. He observes and finally accepts, that Mark is not his. Not now, maybe also not in the future. Donghyuck realizes, though, that by not having Mark as his lover, doesn't mean he can't give Mark his affection and love. He can; maybe not the way he has always wanted, but as long as Mark is happy, he _is_ happy.

He has finally accepted, that in a life where Mark is the main character, Donghyuck is not his love interest. He would never be the one Mark goes to after a harsh day of works, nor would he be the one who kisses Mark passionately and makes love to. No, he may not be that. But he's more than that.

After all, these past twenty years they had been together — from the times they were in diapers and was still nursing at their moms', to the times where Mark has finally found his love — Donghyuck is Mark's best friend, Mark's _brother_ first, before he was his love interest. At least he's now comforted by a fact no one could erase from his life.

Because although it's Yuta who gets to have Mark, Donghyuck is the one who's always there for him, through thick and thin.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this while listening to NCT 127's newest track in Neo Zone, "White Night", it's such a beautiful song, check it out! also, pls stream Kick It~
> 
> u can hmu and talk about mark lee for free w me fr i don't bite i don't scratch i only glare sometimes uwu  
> [twt](https://twitter.com/twistedonuts)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/markbabie)


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